Oh dear god, they've tried to do the Super Bowl.
France 2, complete with French commentators (Where the hell did they find them?!) broadcast the Super Bowl live this Sunday. It's funny, it may be the first time I've laughed consistently throughout the big game. Without getting to the sheer absurdity of the coverage, let's just fast forward to the Half Time show.
In a room literally wallpapered with American flags, a popular TV host has two guests with him: A French comedian, and as best I can figure out, a large man who was just cast as "Random French Black guy." (RFBG) I mean, seriously. I think they just picked the largest man in the country, and were like, "Hey! You look like you could maybe be American! Go on TV!"
Host turns to RFBG and asks, "So what do you like about American Football?"
RFBG: "What I like about baseball is..."
(host interrupts: "no no, this is Football à l'Américain"). RFBG looks kind of surprised.
The Comedian then takes it upon himself: "I like the helmets. The helmets are cool."
I'm thinking I could've done a better half time show, until I see the mysterious Third Guest. YES, a real live NFL Cheerleader.
Tits McAmerica with flowing blond long hair comes on, and they continue to not bother to translate anything to her, so she sits there looking scared, as RFBG actually begins to put his head nearer and nearer to her shoulder. They finally work on translating some hard hitting questions to her, as soon as they figure out she can't speak French.
Host: "So, why are cheerleaders so pretty?" (montage of American cheerleaders in background) (Tits McAmerica's breasts pop farther and farther out of her top)
Cheerleader: "Umm (being dubbed over, simultaneously)..well...there's a lot of us out there, and you know, only some of us can become cheerleaders."
Host: "So why do you all look the same?"
(A brilliant question, if you ask me)
Cheerleader: (pause) "Well, we all have to have long hair." (another awkward pause)
All of this confirms my suspicion that we Americans are just as much a national laugh for the French as the frogs are for us. Here's a translation guide to French American Football, which took me a fair amount of time to figure out:
Rot-lees-bear-gurrr: Roethlisberger
'Asselbeck: Hasselbeck
Le wide réceveur: Wide Receiver
Les linebackeurs: Line Backers
The funniest thing being, I imagine that they gave the soccer (read: real football) commentators a half-assed explanation of American football and told them to cover the Super Bowl, so the tempo of the commentary is WAY too fast for a football game.
"And 'Asselback has the ball and he's GOING! ALLEZ! ALLEZ! (play ends). Oh. And another break."
All in all, I far prefer French American Football. There's only one thing that's worse about this Super Bowl:
French ads suck.
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