The French citizenship test, partie No.1

In dishonor of Sarkozy's latest proposal on curbing immigration to France, I'd like to offer my own personal Citizenship test for the Republic.


FRENCH CITIZENSHIP TEST


#1. You are a male between 11-80 years old. You see a blond girl speaking English on the street. You do which of the following:

a. Say nothing
b. Look her up and down, imagine her naked, and continue loafing
c. Scream out "'Ello! 'Appy Birfday!" then look her up and down, imagine her naked, and continue loafing

The correct answer is: C



#2. You see a man with long hair and orange-tinted skin. He:

a. Has Been stranded on a desert island with nothing but carrots to eat
b. Is an average man- a Sciences Po professor, for example
c. Is the prime minister, Dominique de Villepin

The correct answer is: B or C


#3. Cheating is wrong.
a. True
b. False
c. Irrelevant statement in French society

The correct answer is C



#4. What was France's position in the Second World War?

a. There was no Second World War
b. We surrendered like little bunnyrabbits
c. Heroic resistance against the coward Saxon invaders.

The correct answer is A or C



#5. What is most important to know about the United States?

a. The girls are cheap and easy
b. Bush=bad
c. The worst of its music: Sean Paul and Ben Harper

The correct answer is: All of the above

"Are you now or have you ever been..."

If you're looking for zany adventures, see the blog prior to this. This said, I felt I had to share.

I auditioned for a part in a movie today. (!!)

Really. Sketchy story short, I was walking down the street with none other than Joseph Swan, Esq. I barked something at him in American English. Then got approached by French film student-looking girl who thus gives me an appointment to go to the bureau of her film company. Les Films du Poisson. Look, it actually exists.

Today I had my appointment and I got ushered into their converted apartment-office off of Republique, and was ignored for a solid 15 minutes. I've never felt cooler.

Everyone in the office was in a hurry, but yet they didn't seem to be doing any work, and still looked incredibly important doing this sort of nothing. Painfully Parisian. And in movies! No, not "movies," films.

Finally, woman that randomly picked me up pulls me into audition room and describes the role. I learn that I would be auditioning for the following part:

• It's 1980. I'm an American Girl
• Who has just returned from a Kibbutz in Israel.
• Declares, "Je suis communiste."
• Then takes the main character to the Art School (Ecole des Beaux Arts a Paris)....
• ...Where she is a nude model. *cough*
• And then takes her to Le Palace, an old Parisian club that the movie is attempting to recapture
• She walks into the club and knows everybody, is really cool (seriously, no way I'm getting this role)
• Where She then does drugs in the bathroom, and corrupts main character.
  

Awesome.

It also occured to me that I should have loved and nurtured my drama/film friends more, at a time like this. I'm sure that I wasn't supposed to be feeling this stupid and unprepared. Or maybe I should've remembered the tough, real life lessons of acting camp when I was in 5th grade.

Woman hands me the script and tells me to pick any line I want and read it.

Another nightmare. I pick the line that sounds the prettiest in French and I feel I wouldn't trip over. "Je pose pour les etudiants des Beaux Arts." I mean, it almost rhymes, goddamnit! She must've sensed my pleasure at how pretty that sentence was, then points me to the one phrase I was avoiding:

"Je suis communiste."

I mumble. "Encore" She says. "JE SUIS COMMUNISTE" I blast, trying to sound as socially concerned and militant as possible.
Anyways, so, if there ever were a time to finally just own up to the fact that i'll NEVER be able to run for public office, this is it. Somewhere, deep in a closet in Paris, there will always be a camcorder in Paris that has a recording of me saying I'm a fucking communist.

And if I get lucky, there will be footage of me playing a cokehead nude-model communist!

Goodnight.

PS: Home...



I love the Delray.