Oh sweetie, no.

There are only a handful of hard and fast fashion rules. They keep men from making bad sock choices, and women from wearing white shoes in winter. People follow these rules, and respectably-dressed society marches on.

The rest go unspoken, as if the world will understand and follow these rules out of common sense. This is a very foolish assumption.

The other day, a girl was sitting across from me in the metro. It was 80-90 degrees fahrenheit outside, and pushing 100 in the metro car. It is August.

This fine lady was wearing calf-high boots, no tights, short shorts and a RABBIT FUR VEST.

(While I understand French girls' sensibility to draughts, this is absurd. Furthermore, as any French girl knows, the way to catch a cold is through the throat. If you really are feeling a draught, cover up your neck immediately if you don't want to catch the plague.)

And to top it all off, she had bleached her naturally black hair..making it a putrid shade of orange/red. Between this and the pelt, she was the spitting image of ... Pebbles.

So, to the unfortunate girl in the métro: No, oh no, no, no. Perhaps it would be easier if we layed (laid?) out some ground rules. Shall we?

Uggs are slippers, not shoes. People do not wear slippers outside of the house, now DO THEY? The only situation that would require such intense slippers would be a combination of sub-zero temperatures and broken heating. Female residents of Long Island, this probably does not apply to you.

Africa pants are only acceptable in Africa. Preferably only worn by denizens of the great continent. NO EXCEPTIONS. I don't want to hear "but they're so comfortable." So is nudity. But that will get you arrested. Just like Africa pants should.

People who wear camel-toed shoes should be shot on sight. I understand these shoes are popular in China. Luckily, the Chinese government has no problem with fast and loose applications of the death penalty. I think we can find a common solution, here.

If we work together, we can build a future without girls like this: