So, I'm in London. (Hence the blog title change). It's raining.
No matter what language you pose it in, I still will be reluctant to answer the question of what I'm doing here. It's really a complicated chain of events that got me here. It began with a war, and things sort of snowballed from there. I'll be staying here anywhere from 3 months to a year, again, depending on the snowballs.
C'est un peu dodgy.
What I have been doing the past 3 weeks is being underpaid. I've been working at a swish, new, well-hyped French restaurant in Chelsea. No names will be used until I see what the New York Times review says next week. Naturally, all of my co-workers were French, making my contact with the Gaullois in London massively larger than it was in Paris.
Encore, un peu dodgy.
I quit recently, not because I didn't enjoy my new frenchies or the restaurant or management, but because this whole "service" thing doesn't really float my boat. I'm more of a "be served" sort of girl.
At least I did learn.. Fun and Exciting New Ways to Include Sexual Harassment In The Workplace! Man, I will say it was endlessly amusing. A few examples:
Situation #1 As I'm standing in front of the bread basket, a co-worker reaches around me to reach the bread.
Me: "Touche pas a mon pain!" (a very clever word play in French, thank you very much..translation: Lay off my bread..)
Co-worker: "Man, if you guarded your ass like that from your boyfriend..."
Situation#2 I don't hear something my boss says.
Boss: "Well, you know that masturbation makes you deaf.."
Me: "But, uh, I, uh, have a boyfriend?"
Boss: "Is he English?"
Me: "uh, yeah"
Boss: "That explains it..!"
Oh, I shall miss them..! Seriously. All this American whinging about sexual harassment is annoying.
Off to trot around in the rain... P.S. someone POST COMMENTS, for fuck's sake!
Monday, September 25, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Lay it on me, Ernesto
When things do happen, they hurricane. Or tropical storm.
In any case, shortly after posting the last entry, I made the mistake of going west of the intracoastal for a doctor's appointment, around the same time it became apparent we were going to be hit by Ernesto.
Chapter 1: In which I consider jumping out the window.
Scene: My OB-GYN's waiting room.
Seeing as the tropical storm/Hurricane was now impending, every single pregnant woman and every single FAT NEW YORKER decided to run to the OB-GYN's office. So, imagine the room is elbow to elbow in estrogeny or estrogen-replacement cranked-up women. Essentially, the 7th circle of hell.
As I scan the room, I see that these fat, wrinkly, (dear-god-why-are-they-at-the-OBGYN?!) old New York women have the only two acceptable magazines in the waiting room. I'm left with "Parenting" and "Healthy Baby," Shoot me. I soon hear that I have to be subjected to their banal observations about pop culture. Keep in mind it's obvious that these women can't possibly know each other-- they just share the sisterhood of "We're here to die and we'll annoy you until you do the job for us."
So they begin squawking to each other like migrating parrots: "My GAWD, How YOUNG Blythe Danner looked at the Emmys, and oh, that she MUSTA had collogen injections in her hands..." Then, they add their criticisms of Jane, my favorite magazine, that they held in their grubby, fake-nailed hands. (On a side note, why do strangers talk to each other here?! WHY?! I can't wait to go to the UK, where, they tell me, this kind of thing doesn't happen.)
"AW GOWD, LISTEN TA THIS.." one says, reading a letter in Jane. "I'M FINE WID SLEEPING AROUND IN MY TWAN-TIES, I FIGURE WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE TO SETTLE DOWN YET?..."
"SO SHE'S SAYIN' SHE WAHNTS TO SLEEP WITH 50,000 MEN. UNBAHLIEVABLE."
...I stare down at my shoes uncomfortably, and think of moving one of my rings over to my ring finger.
So, yada yada, finally my name gets called, and I sprint out of the waiting room on the way out, still afraid to catch their eye.
Chapter 2: Ernesto gets ready to lay down the lovin'
Scene 1: driving around Del Boca Vista
Americans are especially good at two things. Consumption of food and consumption of gas. Throw in an impending hurricane and BAM! We surprise even ourselves.
I decide not to wait in a 2 hour gas line, but hedge my bets, and decide to fill up the car later. My dad hears we have a half-empty tank and flies into hysterics. Seriously-- If we're all destroyed WHY would we need to drive anywhere, anyways? The logic escapes me. (People tell me later that it's because when the power goes out, stations can't pump for days, weeks. Whatever.)
By the time I make it to the grocery store, every single desirable item is GONE. People are filling entire grocery carts to the brim. Do people really think food will cease to exist after the storm? OR (in some cases) that they really need to be eating that much?! No.
As I ask the large check-out man what he thinks of the storm, and we both decide this is a non-event. As if he were a part of this, the guy behind me in line (with a dozen or so candy bars in hand, might I add) decides to chime in.
"Well, the storm could go either way, HONEY."
HONEY?! Getting honey'd by a stranger was the last straw. I can't wait for this storm to be over.
Although I do enjoy a little tropical stormage.
In any case, shortly after posting the last entry, I made the mistake of going west of the intracoastal for a doctor's appointment, around the same time it became apparent we were going to be hit by Ernesto.
Chapter 1: In which I consider jumping out the window.
Scene: My OB-GYN's waiting room.
Seeing as the tropical storm/Hurricane was now impending, every single pregnant woman and every single FAT NEW YORKER decided to run to the OB-GYN's office. So, imagine the room is elbow to elbow in estrogeny or estrogen-replacement cranked-up women. Essentially, the 7th circle of hell.
As I scan the room, I see that these fat, wrinkly, (dear-god-why-are-they-at-the-OBGYN?!) old New York women have the only two acceptable magazines in the waiting room. I'm left with "Parenting" and "Healthy Baby," Shoot me. I soon hear that I have to be subjected to their banal observations about pop culture. Keep in mind it's obvious that these women can't possibly know each other-- they just share the sisterhood of "We're here to die and we'll annoy you until you do the job for us."
So they begin squawking to each other like migrating parrots: "My GAWD, How YOUNG Blythe Danner looked at the Emmys, and oh, that she MUSTA had collogen injections in her hands..." Then, they add their criticisms of Jane, my favorite magazine, that they held in their grubby, fake-nailed hands. (On a side note, why do strangers talk to each other here?! WHY?! I can't wait to go to the UK, where, they tell me, this kind of thing doesn't happen.)
"AW GOWD, LISTEN TA THIS.." one says, reading a letter in Jane. "I'M FINE WID SLEEPING AROUND IN MY TWAN-TIES, I FIGURE WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE TO SETTLE DOWN YET?..."
"SO SHE'S SAYIN' SHE WAHNTS TO SLEEP WITH 50,000 MEN. UNBAHLIEVABLE."
...I stare down at my shoes uncomfortably, and think of moving one of my rings over to my ring finger.
So, yada yada, finally my name gets called, and I sprint out of the waiting room on the way out, still afraid to catch their eye.
Chapter 2: Ernesto gets ready to lay down the lovin'
Scene 1: driving around Del Boca Vista
Americans are especially good at two things. Consumption of food and consumption of gas. Throw in an impending hurricane and BAM! We surprise even ourselves.
I decide not to wait in a 2 hour gas line, but hedge my bets, and decide to fill up the car later. My dad hears we have a half-empty tank and flies into hysterics. Seriously-- If we're all destroyed WHY would we need to drive anywhere, anyways? The logic escapes me. (People tell me later that it's because when the power goes out, stations can't pump for days, weeks. Whatever.)
By the time I make it to the grocery store, every single desirable item is GONE. People are filling entire grocery carts to the brim. Do people really think food will cease to exist after the storm? OR (in some cases) that they really need to be eating that much?! No.
As I ask the large check-out man what he thinks of the storm, and we both decide this is a non-event. As if he were a part of this, the guy behind me in line (with a dozen or so candy bars in hand, might I add) decides to chime in.
"Well, the storm could go either way, HONEY."
HONEY?! Getting honey'd by a stranger was the last straw. I can't wait for this storm to be over.
Although I do enjoy a little tropical stormage.
Monday, August 28, 2006
My life as a schnook.
So there's been a definite lack of posting recently. Hard to explain other than the fact that nothing's been particularly "funny." I'm surrounded by the people I love the most, and feeling warm and fuzzy inside doesn't make for a good blog.
This said, I've been watching a lot of mob movies recently. When everything falls apart in my life, I always turn to organized crime movies. Gives me a sense of order in the universe. It also made me realize that I've been living in a world akin to the Witness Protection Program. Anonymity. Absolute security. NOTHING happens here. So, I give you the Ray Liotta quote that best summarizes the transtion from Paris to Delray Beach.
This said, I've been watching a lot of mob movies recently. When everything falls apart in my life, I always turn to organized crime movies. Gives me a sense of order in the universe. It also made me realize that I've been living in a world akin to the Witness Protection Program. Anonymity. Absolute security. NOTHING happens here. So, I give you the Ray Liotta quote that best summarizes the transtion from Paris to Delray Beach.
"Everything was for the taking. And now it's all over. And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action...I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody... I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."Because I can't take it anymore, I'm moving to London. To have massive amounts of financial and personal insecurity. But at least I won't be living like a schnook.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Alumni of Sciences Po, unite and serve
Okay, so just kidding about having "The Fallout." For about the first week, I enjoyed a sort of touristic sort of awe about home. All the American accents! All the fat people! AND All the central air conditioning! But then, of course, all this must sour. To summarize the past couple weeks,
July 12-August 1: The Great Tits-Uppage of 2006. Where everything in my life, in short, goes tits up. War, tears, much gnashing of teeth, etc. Essentially, all the elements of a telenovella-- a really bad one.
August 1- Present: Despite being 'tout sur le dos' I decide to actually do things. Mainly, try and find desirable job for next year, and go to gym for a while to not think about how I don't have a job. Oh, and watch lots and lots of bad TV and movies.
Marking the end of this current period was our recent family wedding in Denver, CO.
My mom's side of the family, a bunch of lovely and crazy francophones, made this highly enjoyable. Highlights and Lowlights:
Highlight:
My grandmother, whispering to me during the wedding: "The last time I saw the bride, she was about 10 pounds heavier, she looked good. It didn't make her nose look so big. Oh, maybe I shouldn't be saying that."
Lowlight:
Being the only single woman, besides my 10 year-old cousin, to stand there and catch the bouquet. Luckily, she caught it.
Highlight:
Having an actual French waitress serving us at the wedding.
Lowlight:
Said waitress graduated from Sciences Po with a degree in Carrieres Internationales. I shit you not. The conversation went as such: "Vous etes diplomee de Sciences Po?!!" "Oui oui" (she says, in waitressing outfit)...
My parents' eyes sort of glazed over. THIS is what we're sending our daughter to Paris for?! Mention de chomage...no joke...
Luckily, she went on to say how she pursued hotel management after graduation and had an eye for moving to the States for this stuff. Still, made me kind of nervous. I'm not killing myself to eventually land a menial job in the suburbs of Denver.
On that note, wish me luck.
Cheers, y'all.
July 12-August 1: The Great Tits-Uppage of 2006. Where everything in my life, in short, goes tits up. War, tears, much gnashing of teeth, etc. Essentially, all the elements of a telenovella-- a really bad one.
August 1- Present: Despite being 'tout sur le dos' I decide to actually do things. Mainly, try and find desirable job for next year, and go to gym for a while to not think about how I don't have a job. Oh, and watch lots and lots of bad TV and movies.
Marking the end of this current period was our recent family wedding in Denver, CO.
My mom's side of the family, a bunch of lovely and crazy francophones, made this highly enjoyable. Highlights and Lowlights:
Highlight:
My grandmother, whispering to me during the wedding: "The last time I saw the bride, she was about 10 pounds heavier, she looked good. It didn't make her nose look so big.
Lowlight:
Being the only single woman, besides my 10 year-old cousin, to stand there and catch the bouquet. Luckily, she caught it.
Highlight:
Having an actual French waitress serving us at the wedding.
Lowlight:
Said waitress graduated from Sciences Po with a degree in Carrieres Internationales. I shit you not. The conversation went as such: "Vous etes diplomee de Sciences Po?!!" "Oui oui" (she says, in waitressing outfit)...
My parents' eyes sort of glazed over. THIS is what we're sending our daughter to Paris for?! Mention de chomage...no joke...
Luckily, she went on to say how she pursued hotel management after graduation and had an eye for moving to the States for this stuff. Still, made me kind of nervous. I'm not killing myself to eventually land a menial job in the suburbs of Denver.
On that note, wish me luck.
Cheers, y'all.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The fallout.
All apologies for the massive lack of posting. In 50 words or less, I have been on vacation in Budapest/Croatia, packed up my apartment, then realized that I have, in fact, no plan for next year- things that, individually, do take up a lot of energy.
I had next year all lined up in Beirut, but seeing as there's been a mass exodus of foreign nationals out of Lebanon, looks like I'm not going to be taking my colonial sejour after all. As much as I would like to go to Cyprus, I'd rather not be taken there by an army helicopter.
Meanhwhile, I'm in Delray Beach, languishing. I had warned my parents that I would be going through post-European withdrawal and to take it easy on me.
I had hoped for a re-education in all things American; maybe we'd order pizza and go out to the shooting range, and my dad would buy an XXL wife beater, just for the occasion.
Instead, I came home to where, it became obvious, my europhilia was incubated. "Should we pick up a baguette on the way home?" dad asked in the car from the airport. I mumbled something about how technically, they should hardly be called proper baguettes. Once at home, I began talking about the war in Lebanon, and my mom flipped on the news. "Oh, we only watch BBC Worldnews anymore." No CNN. No FOX. Of course, The BBC.
Fine, so, they have the common sense to watch better TV media than what the US can produce. Maybe they'd take it easy on me for movies and TV shows. "I've been watching a lot of Gordon Ramsey's 'Kitchen Nightmares..'" mom continued. Flipping through the list of TiVoed shows, I learned that for all intents and purposes, our remote has been frozen on BBC America and the Independent Film Network.
As painful as it is to constantly be reminded what exactly I'm missing, it's lovely to be able to talk to my parents about my trip to Croatia, and their life in London when they were just married, and the superiority of Paris. I guess it's good to be home.
I had next year all lined up in Beirut, but seeing as there's been a mass exodus of foreign nationals out of Lebanon, looks like I'm not going to be taking my colonial sejour after all. As much as I would like to go to Cyprus, I'd rather not be taken there by an army helicopter.
Meanhwhile, I'm in Delray Beach, languishing. I had warned my parents that I would be going through post-European withdrawal and to take it easy on me.
I had hoped for a re-education in all things American; maybe we'd order pizza and go out to the shooting range, and my dad would buy an XXL wife beater, just for the occasion.
Instead, I came home to where, it became obvious, my europhilia was incubated. "Should we pick up a baguette on the way home?" dad asked in the car from the airport. I mumbled something about how technically, they should hardly be called proper baguettes. Once at home, I began talking about the war in Lebanon, and my mom flipped on the news. "Oh, we only watch BBC Worldnews anymore." No CNN. No FOX. Of course, The BBC.
Fine, so, they have the common sense to watch better TV media than what the US can produce. Maybe they'd take it easy on me for movies and TV shows. "I've been watching a lot of Gordon Ramsey's 'Kitchen Nightmares..'" mom continued. Flipping through the list of TiVoed shows, I learned that for all intents and purposes, our remote has been frozen on BBC America and the Independent Film Network.
As painful as it is to constantly be reminded what exactly I'm missing, it's lovely to be able to talk to my parents about my trip to Croatia, and their life in London when they were just married, and the superiority of Paris. I guess it's good to be home.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
sordid? adorable? who cares!
Just had to share with the world my favorite ad, bar none, of all time.
SO CUTE, but yet also quite clever: here
For those of you who kvetch about my exclusion of non-francophones, all you need to know is the tagline: "Everything's more intense."
enjoy, I've still got a fair amount of work until my grande fête this saturday.
xoxoxox
SO CUTE, but yet also quite clever: here
For those of you who kvetch about my exclusion of non-francophones, all you need to know is the tagline: "Everything's more intense."
enjoy, I've still got a fair amount of work until my grande fête this saturday.
xoxoxox
Friday, June 09, 2006
Cathartic whinging.
I promised to at least try make this blog funny. I never said it wouldn't make me sound like a horrible person. Hasn't been a post in a long while, because I've been lacking decently humorous episodes of my life, seeing as I've been in a hell MONTH. What enormous of amounts of work CAN do, though, is make you awesomely mad at the world. Without further ado, The Shit List.
1. American tourists. Jesus titty-fucking Christ, we are one ugly, fat nation. Granted, I swear I didn't think so before, and I probably won't think so when I go back, but man, we are so annoying. Or maybe it's a new passport requirement? Don't bring with you: lighters, explosives, or pesticides. DO bring with you: 10 tons of lard, ugly white sneakers really ugly caps, and your OUTSIDE VOICES whenever you're in a quiet place. Shudder.
2. Sciences Po Librarians. So, I may not do the "returning books" thing well, and I have general angst about the school's resources, but man, they're just MEAN. Except for cute Stefan, who knows my name. Yes, I go to the library that much.
3. The White Dog's owners. Let me explain.
Oli's seen it, so at least I have a witness to say that it actually exists, and isn't some LOST-like appearance. So basically, some crazy old rich person in the next block, instead of actually walking their dog, just LETS it out, and lets it wander around the block for hours on end. Literally, wanders around in circles, and looks scared and won't let you touch it. Which, seeing as its the quiet stuffy 16th isn't such a problem, but the poor fucking dog just drifts around with the most pathetic look on its face.
I actually incredibly sorry for it. You have to understand that this is coming from a girl that kicked a dog on a date once.(when the guy wasn't looking, and it was kind of a gentle tap) (and the dog wouldn't stop licking its balls, it had to be done).
Man, this list could go on, but let me just add a few more:
1) People who call themselves "princess," allow their parents to, or even worse,call themselves "Daddy's little princess"
2) Posers in Paris. People who, despite their extremely strong accent, try and speak French to anglophones. Bite me, everyone can tell you're American, go fuck off.
3) Anyone who works in French administration, anywhere. Just trust me, you'd hate them too.
4) THAT GUY/girl in your classes. Sadly, at Master's level, it only gets worse. In France, it's ten times worse. They all have names: "Donkey lips" (arabic class), "La petite grosse" (Enjeux Po class), "Belligerent Canadian" (every class), etc.
5) Pretentious hippies. Either you're hippy, and chill, or your pretentious, and not. Don't try and name drop things like, "Oh, yeah, I went to this really mind-blowing session of Oonamamweh last night. It like, changed my life." Although, you know what? Don't care what you're saying anyways.
Anyways, now I should get back to the work I've been bitching about, although god knows I could go on. This is awesomely cathartic. Night all.
1. American tourists. Jesus titty-fucking Christ, we are one ugly, fat nation. Granted, I swear I didn't think so before, and I probably won't think so when I go back, but man, we are so annoying. Or maybe it's a new passport requirement? Don't bring with you: lighters, explosives, or pesticides. DO bring with you: 10 tons of lard, ugly white sneakers really ugly caps, and your OUTSIDE VOICES whenever you're in a quiet place. Shudder.
2. Sciences Po Librarians. So, I may not do the "returning books" thing well, and I have general angst about the school's resources, but man, they're just MEAN. Except for cute Stefan, who knows my name. Yes, I go to the library that much.
3. The White Dog's owners. Let me explain.
Oli's seen it, so at least I have a witness to say that it actually exists, and isn't some LOST-like appearance. So basically, some crazy old rich person in the next block, instead of actually walking their dog, just LETS it out, and lets it wander around the block for hours on end. Literally, wanders around in circles, and looks scared and won't let you touch it. Which, seeing as its the quiet stuffy 16th isn't such a problem, but the poor fucking dog just drifts around with the most pathetic look on its face.
I actually incredibly sorry for it. You have to understand that this is coming from a girl that kicked a dog on a date once.(when the guy wasn't looking, and it was kind of a gentle tap) (and the dog wouldn't stop licking its balls, it had to be done).
Man, this list could go on, but let me just add a few more:
1) People who call themselves "princess," allow their parents to, or even worse,call themselves "Daddy's little princess"
2) Posers in Paris. People who, despite their extremely strong accent, try and speak French to anglophones. Bite me, everyone can tell you're American, go fuck off.
3) Anyone who works in French administration, anywhere. Just trust me, you'd hate them too.
4) THAT GUY/girl in your classes. Sadly, at Master's level, it only gets worse. In France, it's ten times worse. They all have names: "Donkey lips" (arabic class), "La petite grosse" (Enjeux Po class), "Belligerent Canadian" (every class), etc.
5) Pretentious hippies. Either you're hippy, and chill, or your pretentious, and not. Don't try and name drop things like, "Oh, yeah, I went to this really mind-blowing session of Oonamamweh last night. It like, changed my life." Although, you know what? Don't care what you're saying anyways.
Anyways, now I should get back to the work I've been bitching about, although god knows I could go on. This is awesomely cathartic. Night all.
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