Flatmate Profile: John

I've been lucky in terms of the people I've shared living space with. Everything except The Unfortunate Post-It Incident my freshman year has been fairly normal.

Then I moved to London. Enter John, my current flatmate.

A Glaswegian born and breed, he's lost every trace of his Scottish accent, except when drunk, when it turns into a lispy, slurry, incomprehensible ramble. This is most of the time.

Unemployed since I've moved here, he receives free housing thanks to the British government. This makes my rent lovely and cheap, and British Projects are nice enough, really.

The flat is an exercise in What is camp? : A full length poster of Marilyn Monroe decorates the closet door and Marilyn Monroe collages line the walls of the toilet. Elsewhere, large, fake gold statues of grecian women clutter every table in the house. Other finishing touches include an enormous collection of model cars and multiple pictures of every (female) monarch the UK has ever had.

The color scheme is "muppet." Purple is not only the accessory color of the season for fashion, but for our living room. (Who knew?) A big sparkly purple festoon covers a mirror, and a large purple plastic DOME sort of sits on a table by the TV.
The color of my room is somewhere between mint green and vomit, and John's room is brick red. There's a bit too much red paint and he's threatening to paint the toilet room and the foyer walls with the excess.

John's activities including watching "Good Morning Britain" show in its entirety, ( 7-12 am, i believe...), smoking a lot of hand-rolled cigarettes, blasting Tina Turner, Cher, or The Ronettes at full volume, and staring out the kitchen window while drinking Sanka.

Likes include "girlie mags" ("Chat" and "Love it!"), musicals, and penises. No, I should be more clear. And I quote, "The thing about penises is, I like big ones." Thus, his main activity is bringing home random men about every night, or every other night. There must be no more new gay men left in North London. Seriously. I've done the math.

Never a dull moment here in N1, and despite all the ways we differ, we get on quite well, and he really is a lovely man. This blog can only begin to capture his eccentricities, and one day when I sell my screenplay to Wes Anderson, John will surely make an appearance.

Goodnight from London.