Letter to Starbucks. (my finest hour)

Dear Sir, Madam,

I write to you today to inform you that I found your skinny lemon poppy seed muffin appalling. As a young, weight-conscious female, I am in your target group for such muffins, and I was nauseated by this afternoon snack.

For starters, the frosting on top is superfluous. It's as if you're knowingly trying to distract the customer tfrom the poor quality of the muffin by blind-siding them with sweetness. It's too much. Furthermore, the sugar-slathered muffin top is incongruous with a "skinny" muffin to begin with. Save the calories on sugar, put it where they're needed; in the muffin.

The muffin itself is unsatisfying at best. It has the consistency of solidified paste; tastes nothing like the "lemon" it pretends to be, and again, is over-loaded with sugar to mask the lack of the good stuff; fat.

Is there a way to find a delicious low-fat muffin? I think so. I challenge you, Starbucks, to live up to the task at hand; create a muffin that is satisfying, sexy, skinny, but not overly sweet.

Sincerely,
Francesca Hansen
__________________________________________________________________________


Dear Ms Hansen

Thank you for taking the time to contact Starbucks Coffee Company.

We aim to serve our customers a range of premium quality food to enjoy with their beverage and I am sorry to learn of your disappointment with our new Skinny Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin.

Our food range is regularly reviewed to ensure we consistently offer a popular and varied range of products. We conduct taste trials and listen closely to customer feedback and if we feel our food can be improved then we may change the recipe.

Our food development team and suppliers are continually working on new foods and any food that is not widely enjoyed may be replaced. We closely monitor sales figures across the country to help us understand which products are successful.

We value all feedback about our products and I will share your comments with our food development manager for her interest and consideration when reviewing the success of our food range.

We appreciate you getting in touch and look forward to welcoming you back soon to your local Starbucks.


Yours sincerely

Clare Ollerhead
Customer Care Specialist

I smell Bacon.

It's the little things.

It's the little things that I find endlessly humorous about life here on Brick Lane.

1) I live (..pausing...) on Bacon Street. Directions to my new flat are, essentially, "Walk down Brick Lane, and take your first left after Bacon Street." Mildly amusing, but the brilliance of Bacon Street is that, starting about 100 years ago, Brick Lane was a predominately Jewish area. And since the 70's, it's been predominately South Asian/Muslim. WHO was eating the Bacon?

2) The Hair Bus. In a parking lot just off Sclater Street is the Bus O' Hair Salon. Imagine the Partridge family bus if it were double decker and splashed with random dirty art. With a hair salon on the top floor. I will get my hair cut there one day, although I'm afraid of ending up with a over-trendy hair cut that will garner itself a regional nickname. Move over "Hoxton Fin," I will bring on the "Brick Lane Bob"

3) Banglicious. Seeing as I live on a street with more curry houses per meter than you could imagine, I've been inspired to try out the flava's of the subcontinent. Cookbook in hand, I went to my local and laregst supermarket, BanglaCity--home of 10 pound bags of rice, and 5 pound bags of Fenugreek Seeds, etc. I bought enough for a Lamb and Herb Soup (real name unknown, sorry) and 15 pounds of mysterious spices later, I stumbled to the checkout till. Still missing the lamb for the soup, I asked the man where I could find cubed lamb pieces. "You might want to try BanglaTown, down the road," he said. Naturally. Competing BanglaCity and BanglaTown supermarkets. Te quiero, Brick Lane.

Tomorrow, I'm off to hit the Brick Lane Markets, in search of other sundry shizz for the new flat. Dir'y house party to come. Stay tuned and get out your shhhedules. xoxox

Thanks, 2006

I've kept this blogscursion free from personal sentiment, but in keeping with the New Year's round up theme, please allow me a sort of thanksgiving.

La vie est belle.

I've just come back from Copenhagen, re-connecting with the Danes I love so dearly..I don't think I ever didn't a glass of champagne in my hand for 4 days. And my boys have turned out (well, they're not done growing yet) so so well, and their english is better than most of the French students at Sciences Po. They're 9 and 11, respectively.

London is wicked, and it takes a lot for me to be not depressed to leave Copenhagen. I was, however, not looking forward to going back to my very sad flatmate. Who, to give a sort of cursory update, is just too much of an alcoholic to continue living with. That, and, I have reason to believe he's still working as a male prostitute.

Minor detail.

So, I'm movin' on up to BRICK LANE on January 14- a move which brings with it awesomeness excessive hipsterness, as well as a higher rent. Brick Lane is also home to the only two original bagel shops in London. Spelled "beigel" for authenticity's sake. To best help you understand the glory of the Brick Lane Bagel Bakery, I give you this dude's take on the BLBB.


So, all is well. Je vous souhaite, tout le monde, un joyeux nouvel an.
Jeg oensker jer, alle sammen, et dejligt nytaar.

xoxo

"Piss Off, Crackheads!"

The following conversation took place this Sunday:

(Young british man and American girl walk down the stairs of an apartment building)

American Girl: "Oh look! Is that a black lightbulb?"

(picks up said object)

British Guy: "Ummmm..."

AG: "Ooh, or is it a small doorknob?"

BG: "Um, sweetie, that's a crackpipe."

AG: (freezing) "I'm...going...to go upstairs and wash my hands."

Ah yes, the apartment building I know and love has a resident crackhead. (The title of this post is literally a sign posted in the common area of the building). There are literally too many ways that I find this humorous...I'll leave the comments to you.

On a completely unrelated note,

Desperate Housewives is a really crappy show. I would use the word "horrible," but that might suggest it might be corrupt or immoral, which would then make it interesting. It involves a few themes which are annoying at best, obnoxious at most:

1. The 4 stereotypes of women:
Slutty, OCD, Goofy, Mothery
These are the EXACT archetypes used in Sex and the City (Samantha, Miranda, Carrie, Charlotte..obvi) and, frankly, I'm sick of them. Not to mention that both Sex and the City and DH are written by MEN. Unsurprisingly, the characters are rigid puppets rather than actual characters.

2. Suburbia
It creeps me out.

3. The "It's not really funny but we call it a comedy anyways" ddea
Yeah, much like Sex and the City, one rarely laughs watching Desperate Housewives. Why are they called comedies? Do the expect a reaction like:

"Oh haha, that Eva Longoria, she certainly likes money! and sleeping with men!" "Oh haha, look at Teri Hatcher do something silly like fall into a bush naked! Wow, we've never seen THAT before!"



Not a theme, but it gets a number anyways:

4. Hypocrisy:
I have watched hours upon hours of this show on www.tv-links.co.uk. And it makes me angry. And yet, I still watch. We always still watch.

Travel Snobbishly Awesome

create your own visited countries map

Damn you, grey areas! Still, these are the countries I've visited. BAM!

The legacy of Aqua?

I think the New York Times' new blog, The Lede, is pretty nifty. Although the compiler does a pretty half-assed job, it's essentially meant to give you an interesting, concise round up of the news. On a news website. Okay, so maybe it's sort of lame. Or maybe I am.

In honor of the Lede, I'll introduce...A Danish News Round-Up!
For those doubting the influence of Danish newspapers, talk to Danish embassy employees in the Middle East and see what they have to say. (Who said noone ever read the cartoon section?)

This week:

"Danes' sex lives are full of taboos" from Politiken, Denmark's largest newspaper.





A link to the original article here, so you can confirm that THIS IS THE PICTURE THEY USED.

This is why I love Denmark. Although they may be a northern European country, they have none of that British reservedness when it comes to sex. Or showing dolls doing it. This said, it's sort of unsettling--this was the head article on Politiken's website today. I *swear* something else more important happened today. Something that didn't need to show to DOLLS BONKING AND HIGH FIVING?

Unless you had like, a naked Nancy Pelosi doll getting it on with...oh, actually, no. We don't want that visual image, so I'll stop.

GOODNIGHT!

Santorum Nomore-um

Dear Rick Santorum's daughter,











Why do you cry?
Is it because your dad got pummelled in his senatorial race? Or you just realized what a hypocritical far-right fascist schmuck your father really is? Who suggested Hurricane Katrina victims should be punished for having stayed? And that homosexuality was 'deviant sexual behavior' and likened it to bestiality, polygamy, and pedophilia? Oh, and furthermore, blamed the behavior of pedophilic priests on Boston's 'liberal culture'?

No, my guess is that because you seem to be above the age of 4, you could probably guess your father is a horrible person. You must be crying because you see the death of your cushy interning job, thus ruining your chances, in a few years, of being one of the few women who can wear pink heels in the capitol without being escorted out of the building. (Or escorting senators out of the building...)

Well, turn that frown upside down, darling. Daddy's out, and you're free. Free to go Democrat. Where the interns are a little more frumpy and just a little better educated.

..But I should stop. THIS IS A DAY FOR CELEBRATION! Not for meannness.
Not only is Rick Santorum gone, America's looking blue. And I just had to post for joy.

hooray!