fat and razy americans!

My postings seem more and more reminiscent of the front half of Atlantic Monthly. Hey, you want a novel? Read a book. This is a blog.

So, in keeping with the trend of copping out, I'm going to compile my favorite back-handed anti-American insults in no particular order of ridiculousness.

1. (as I'm walking up 5 flights of stairs w/another British girl)
me, oct.2006: "Man, I'm so out of shape" (or some idle small talk along those lines)
british girl: "Don't worry you'll get used to the walking"

I came almost directly from Paris, slut. Why don't you call me a fat, lazy American and save both of us some time.

2. me: "Yeah, I'm doing an LLM in Islamic Law."
british man: "Islamic Law? That's progressive for an American!"

There are so many sarky responses to that comment, I don't even know where to begin. Guy ended up being really pleasant in the end, but, really. I had to do my best from jabbing my heel into his eye. Or stoning him. (heh)


3. (potential house viewer #1): "Well, the flat's lovely and i do really love Americans..."
Thank you, I think? For once, it's nice to be in a desirable minority. Awesome! I'm a commodity !

4. (every French person, just generally) "C'est trop Americain, ca..."
(in just about every situation)
You could be sitting next to a Parisian who is eating a cheeseburger and fries, and order yourself a portion. "God, you're so American!" they'd scoff. Whereas, luckily, un cheeseburgeur is oh-so-French.

Gah! I'm drawing a blank here, but this is really just the tip of the iceberg.
Look for updates. Peoples' pre-conceptions about America/Americans never cease to amaze me. Almost as amazing as Americans' perceptions of Europe.

xoxo

Staring at the asphalt wondering...

Here's a game kids: How to best sum up all the places you've lived. Write what's in a five block radius around it.
It's kind of funny on paper, innit?
Feel free to play along.

Paris:
Boulevard Emile Augier, 16th arrondissement
Boulangeries: 2
Grocery Stores:0
Laundromats: -1 (you had to practically walk into a new arrondissement)
Florists:1
Upscale designer thriftshop:1
Snooty Oyster restaurant: 1

London flat #1
Essex Road, N1
Bingo Halls: 1
Pubs: 2 within a 1/2 block
SPAR: 1
Taxidermists: 1 (really)
Cafe: 1
Fishmongers:1
Butchers:1
Fruiterers:1

London flat #2
Cheshire Street, E2
Art Galleries: 1
Independent Video Shop:1
Independent Jewelry Designer: 1
Independent Interior Design store:2
Retro Interior Design store:1
Anything not independent: 0
Leather Shops:4
Curry Houses: 100
Tesco:0
Illegal vendors on Sunday: dozens, if not hundreds

back to writing.
"freelance writing" should have a disclaimer on "needing self motivation" argh.
f

An exception

I don't typically like to devote blog entries to websites, but this is too cool.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

The concept is you send this guy your secrets on a postcard. He scans them and publishes them on this blog.

(take a minute to let that sink in)

Some are absolutely amazing, and to be honest, it seems far too interesting and important a project to be just on a blog. Kind of like my blog. Just kidding.
(Thanks mowry, for the site)

Nice meeting you, you're lame

I once was part of a facebook group called, "I dislike 85% of the people I meet" but based on recent recalculations, it's approximately %75. Look what a generous, tolerant person I am. I am NOT repulsed by %25 of the people I meet. I call this recent sample group, "People that have come to see my flat/that I may soon be living with," quite unfortunately. Due to a crackhead employer/work permit issues, my dearly loved flatmate will be leaving the oasis of the East End.

Thus, enter the 4 total strangers that I've met over the past few days.

No.1. Australian male, 27, looks like he plays with star wars figurines in his spare time. Says he's a journalist, but, in an internal monologue, I suggest that he only writes a blog about his fantasy basketball team.

No.2. Australian girl. Quite liked her. There's always an exception. (update: naturally, she decided she wanted to live this far east. Far east, my heiny). On second thought, she sucks for not appreciating the neighborhood.

No. 3. Dweeby French Girl. Is it wrong to dislike people because they're just that ugly?
On the plus side, she does have a subscription to the Economist, and for once, I will look good next to a French girl.

No. 4. The Princess. I'm sorry, if you've clearly demonstrated just how stupid you are before we've even met, I can't imagine that we'll have a beautiful future together.And no, when I'm waiting on a street corner for you, "running into a shop because i just HAD to have that dress" is not a legitimate excuse for being late. Piss off.

So, wish me luck, people. I don't have much patience for the general population, and I need a wicked new flatmate. Know anyone (that doesn't suck) that needs a flat in London?

Easy 10-minute bigotry!

This literally could not be more amusing.
I've always thought/knew Rachel Ray was evil...


Courtesy of US Magazine:



















Did Rachael Ray Slam Oprah with Racial Rant?
Wednesday January 24, 2007

Recipe for a scandal: Take one serving of Rachael Ray, add four cups of merlot, let simmer, and watch the racism bubble to the surface!

According to TMZ, Ray got wasted and made racist remarks about the woman who helped launch Ray's daytime TV talk show – Oprah Winfrey – at a group dinner in December 2005.

The meal took place at the restaurant Houston’s in an L.A. mall (the horror!) shortly before the perky chef’s show was sold.

Ray had “at least four big glasses of red wine,” became "extremely loud and aggressive," and began hating on Oprah.

She reportedly described for the group a portrait of Oprah from the movie Beloved that sits in the lobby of Harpo Productions in Chicago. The photo features Winfrey dressed as a slave, her bare back enhanced with scars.

"Why is she wearing slave drag?” Ray ranted at the dinner. “She obviously has problems being black."

For good measure, the one-time FHM pin-up girl weighed in on Brangelina, calling Brad Pitt a "p-ssy boy" and Angelina Jolie a "skanky, backdoor c-nt."

Ray’s publicist tells TMZ, "Rachael did attend the dinner referenced and enjoyed wine and good conversation with friends and colleagues. She denies making any of the comments referenced."

Despite the rep’s denial, we predict Ray will go easy on the merlot the next time she finds herself dining at the local shopping center. And she’ll probably take special care to ensure that all of the food groups are represented equally in her cooking on the Rachael Ray Show, lest an audience member be moved to stand up and shout, “Why’s it always gotta be a WHITE truffle?”

As for Oprah, she’ll likely take a subtle tactic of revenge. Perhaps the next time she invites the cook onto her show, O will leave a special Rachael Ray Edition turkey baster under audience members’ chairs, and have the baster-wielding loyalists storm the stage after the interview and beat an apology out of Ray. Naturally, it will be a diginified and tasteful beating to be broadcast later on Oprah After the Show on the Oxygen network.

Letter to Starbucks. (my finest hour)

Dear Sir, Madam,

I write to you today to inform you that I found your skinny lemon poppy seed muffin appalling. As a young, weight-conscious female, I am in your target group for such muffins, and I was nauseated by this afternoon snack.

For starters, the frosting on top is superfluous. It's as if you're knowingly trying to distract the customer tfrom the poor quality of the muffin by blind-siding them with sweetness. It's too much. Furthermore, the sugar-slathered muffin top is incongruous with a "skinny" muffin to begin with. Save the calories on sugar, put it where they're needed; in the muffin.

The muffin itself is unsatisfying at best. It has the consistency of solidified paste; tastes nothing like the "lemon" it pretends to be, and again, is over-loaded with sugar to mask the lack of the good stuff; fat.

Is there a way to find a delicious low-fat muffin? I think so. I challenge you, Starbucks, to live up to the task at hand; create a muffin that is satisfying, sexy, skinny, but not overly sweet.

Sincerely,
Francesca Hansen
__________________________________________________________________________


Dear Ms Hansen

Thank you for taking the time to contact Starbucks Coffee Company.

We aim to serve our customers a range of premium quality food to enjoy with their beverage and I am sorry to learn of your disappointment with our new Skinny Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin.

Our food range is regularly reviewed to ensure we consistently offer a popular and varied range of products. We conduct taste trials and listen closely to customer feedback and if we feel our food can be improved then we may change the recipe.

Our food development team and suppliers are continually working on new foods and any food that is not widely enjoyed may be replaced. We closely monitor sales figures across the country to help us understand which products are successful.

We value all feedback about our products and I will share your comments with our food development manager for her interest and consideration when reviewing the success of our food range.

We appreciate you getting in touch and look forward to welcoming you back soon to your local Starbucks.


Yours sincerely

Clare Ollerhead
Customer Care Specialist

I smell Bacon.

It's the little things.

It's the little things that I find endlessly humorous about life here on Brick Lane.

1) I live (..pausing...) on Bacon Street. Directions to my new flat are, essentially, "Walk down Brick Lane, and take your first left after Bacon Street." Mildly amusing, but the brilliance of Bacon Street is that, starting about 100 years ago, Brick Lane was a predominately Jewish area. And since the 70's, it's been predominately South Asian/Muslim. WHO was eating the Bacon?

2) The Hair Bus. In a parking lot just off Sclater Street is the Bus O' Hair Salon. Imagine the Partridge family bus if it were double decker and splashed with random dirty art. With a hair salon on the top floor. I will get my hair cut there one day, although I'm afraid of ending up with a over-trendy hair cut that will garner itself a regional nickname. Move over "Hoxton Fin," I will bring on the "Brick Lane Bob"

3) Banglicious. Seeing as I live on a street with more curry houses per meter than you could imagine, I've been inspired to try out the flava's of the subcontinent. Cookbook in hand, I went to my local and laregst supermarket, BanglaCity--home of 10 pound bags of rice, and 5 pound bags of Fenugreek Seeds, etc. I bought enough for a Lamb and Herb Soup (real name unknown, sorry) and 15 pounds of mysterious spices later, I stumbled to the checkout till. Still missing the lamb for the soup, I asked the man where I could find cubed lamb pieces. "You might want to try BanglaTown, down the road," he said. Naturally. Competing BanglaCity and BanglaTown supermarkets. Te quiero, Brick Lane.

Tomorrow, I'm off to hit the Brick Lane Markets, in search of other sundry shizz for the new flat. Dir'y house party to come. Stay tuned and get out your shhhedules. xoxox